Number

How annoying is it to hear myself use the cliche so blithely, an unclever response to some throw-away query? Yup, turning 70 this May 9th, "It's just a number." As if this fluffle had any meaning, or helped me in any way with the mad and somewhat roiling stew of mixed feelings about this milestone.

My dear buds have comical offerings of their own, most are approaching the age or already there, a few beyond. 

"Dude least you're not on the wrong side of the grass!" "You look good for eighty!" "Remember, it's not how long you live." "Spend it all before you go!" 

It's funny or maybe just routine how we all deal with aging awkwardly at times, other times, we feel a calmer grace. 

Being so amazingly blessed to have my mom in my life at this age, what else even matters? So many of my dear friends miss their folks like a daily ache that never leaves, a lifelong, honorable burden, a pain that cannot be resolved. 

All I want for this birthday is clarity, unwrapped is okay, skip the card, too. But, this existence doesn't gift like that. Any notion that my aging may bring some better understanding- that also is an illusion of some impractical desire, based in fear and uncertainty. At 70, may I simply better know that what will be, will be.