Wonderland

You didn't know, like everyone didn't know beforehand, how hard it's going to be. How bleak you'll feel at certain times when the universe makes other plans. When your daydreams aren't included. Then, you'll wonder how it all got so goddammit serious, so cutthroat, so unfriendly. It seemed to all happen over one very bad weekend, that fast. In fact, you didn't know anything could be so fast, like the rent. What? Just paid it! Oh, that was last time. But, it was only a few short weeks ago...

The slow charade of childhood lulls all into that false space of sweet security, perfect cubbyhole of no big worries, no big deal responsibility. We're gleefully not in charge of ourselves, if we're lucky to have a loving family. But now, everything is a big deal. No one mentions how Alice in Wonderland then has to work like a fool to survive, no lovely fantasy about that.

You didn't know, no one mentions it. The future more accurately described would scare you back to the past, but it doesn't work that way - you can only trust that you'll be okay. There will be nights when you feel so freakishly alone, your own body does not feel like home, your own skin seems other than kin. Even your thoughts have their own thoughts, you're a witness. 

With all the promises of childhood broken, the silent merry-go-round still operates within a dimension of dust and memory. Nobody mentions how some days you'll control nothing, affect no one, and be invisible even to yourself - no flashing lights, no round mirrors of joy upon the whirling ceiling.